I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
