You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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