It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
