I'm going to jail i love you
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
