Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
