My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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