I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
