I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
