I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
