peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
