You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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