Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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