She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
