Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
please don't ironically join a cult
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