he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
