Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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