Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
