the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
