you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
