I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
