i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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