I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
