It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We need to get me chipped asap
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
