I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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