in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
