You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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