I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
