Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Im part way to drunk.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
