i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
