i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
