its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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