How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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