8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
