Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
