it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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