To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
