Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
