The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
