Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
