I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
