Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
