How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
