My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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