Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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