my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Randomize
