youre lurking in front of me
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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