Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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