I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
