we have pet lesbian snakes
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
