i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
wow bdsm is so cute
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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