How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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