You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
