i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
