Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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