So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
