I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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