Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
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The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
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Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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