Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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