If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
