I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
